Well, You Asked For It!

So ... just coming back from one of the most awesome, emotion-filled, emotionless, and overall exhausting trips EVER. Don't want to go back. I hate what I'm coming back to. There's nothing in it, aside from the so-called 'education'. But I would feel like such a wimp if I quit! It's like the tables have turned, and now Israel is fantasy-land, the land of plenty, the place I want to be. America is the hell-hole it always should have been, though I'll probably forget that the minute I get re-sucked in.
Chana's gone. The last day we were in school together, I was sitting next to her in Mishlei class, and all of a sudden it hit me: there will be an empty desk next to me the next time we have this class, regardless of whether or not someone else occupies it. There will be no one to pass my yoman to to scribble notes in and secretly pass it over while the teacher is looking the other way. No one to skip down to Good Morgan's or the bakery at the drop of a hat. I pretty much broke down and ran to the bathroom.
That's it. It's finished.

Last-Minute Hour-Long Papers and the Like

Tomorrow is departure day!!!! I can't wait. I've just finished my AP History paper and my Beowulf paper and I'm POOPED! Gosh, it's one o'clock. I'm gonna have a lot of stuff to do while I'm in Israel. I'm guessing I won't be doing too good a job on any of it. Ugh, still have to study for Mishlei.
The funny thing is, once I determined that I most likely will not sleep tonight, it was much easier for me to write these papers. I was simultaneously talking to Chana, so it probably help that I had an audience, as well as someone to complain to.
Oh, yeah. I served my early morning detention today. It wasn't too bad; I actually did look on the bright side of life. I like having two detentions on file. I'm not what I look like, so don't try to classify me.
I'm trying to convince Chana to tell BR about her departure. I just don't seem to be able to get across my message well ... probably because I'm trying to put myself in BR's position, even though we have very different ways of thinking. I still think she has right to know before Chana drops the bomb on Wednesday.

The End of the World as I Know It

I seriously cannot wait to get on that plane and relax. Two papers, an outline and three tests are too much to stuff into two days. Yeah, yeah, I was prewarned and had time - bullshit. I need a break.
Chana's going off. Nobody knows where, nobody knows when. Just kidding. I know all the gossip. But it ain't coming out till I get back to this Pleasantville of a town. Will it be different ... I wasn't expecting it so soon.

Trying to juggle friends, survival, homework, and an intense feeling of depression because I don't get enough sleep and feel like two years is way too long to have to sit and listen to these people make me feel like a bad person.
Been reading "Staying Fat for Sarah Byrnes" over and over again in the bathroom. Can't get over how good that book is.
I'm alone in the house now with Gilbert; will be until 11:15 when Simona comes. Tomorrow Papa and Eliyahu (!!) are coming home; we're going to Schlessinger and Kossof for the meals.
I really want to lose weight. I like to think that if I could just fit into my uniform skirt again, instead of having to wear it a hand's breadth above my belly button, I'd be happier. If only.

Cheer up, Brian!

Well, Papa spoke to two of my teachers. It seems that it's not my fault that I moved from being so good to so bad, but the rest of that is censored and confidential.
On the bright side, I gave over a very successful speech today on how to put on a one-man show. My classmates were rolling and I received an +A: a first for Mrs. Weicher!
I can't wait to go to Israel ... I really need a break, especially one where I'll see some new family members. (I don't mean you, Eliyahu; I don't see you enough to be tired of seeing you!) These past few weeks have resulted in an overabundant proximity to certain relations that needs relieving badly.

Heh heh. I worked out today. I feel good. I feel powerful. I am in control.

Attitude Adjustment

So. I've been hit yet again. Early morning detention for not calming down when ordered to in a class that was informal and meant for preparation and a freakin' week ago. This place sucks. I hate them all. Except, ironically, AP Bio and Hebrew, the two classes I thought I would least like. And now I've got the whole 'stop being so chutzpadik' being rammed down my throat in school and at home. I'm guessing this is only the half point for suicidees, but I'm starting to see why people might just end it. Fortunately I'm a stubborn ass and don't give in and am nowhere near about to let some stupid depression that's making me feel like shit push me over an edge that doesn't exist. (Just me rambling ... thoughts running through my head over the course of the day.) And just when I thought things were actually starting to look up.

Stronger Atlas

The grandparents are still here; leaving on Monday. It was enlightening and frusturating in turn; Savta really does know eveything about everyone. I just wish she didn't always have to know everything about me.
I feel like the fact that I was placed in soprano gives me a kind of power. In Israel, the sopranos were the elite, girls the teacher would take out of class to teach the special harmony. Their part was always so much better; everyone wanted to be them. Now I'm a part of that elite group. I'm special. I'm not ashamed of my voice anymore - au contraire, I raise it in pleasure, and screw anyone who tells me I sing through my nose! I'm really loving it. All because I was so hyper I had the guts to sing The Star-Spangled Banner at the top of my voice during auditions.
My English teacher has been super-sweet to me, showering me with compliments. It doesn't add up; one second she thinks I'm about to prove to the class that she never got a teacher's degree, the next she's praising me for my excellent, expression-ful reading of The History of the Kings of Britain.
By the way, Tsiona, someone from poetry.com found your blog and sent you an offer through the mail on one of the poems you wrote. Papa calls it a scam; I think it's pretty cool!

Well, this weekend was my school's annual shabbaton. I stayed at a friend's house with nine other girls; it was crazy. Some things you just can't find out about people (with good reason) unless you have a sleepover with them. I guess you might call it my necessary annual sexual recharge. It's crazy what went on. Luckily I was already sleeping by the time they had their alleged 'orgy'. After shabbos we went roller-skating/blading. Good workout.
Aside from almost being held hostage last night when we were already out the door in our coats, it all went pretty well. I'm starting to foster some serious negative feelings towards certain people.
Night-night. I'm hyper, tired, and my contacts are way too dry.

Tribute to Yehuda Yudkowsky

I only met him twice. But those two memories keep replaying themselves in my mind. I don't know how he died; the rumors stretch from guns to cars. But I do know that whatever it was ... there will be many other than Channah who grieve.

Tyrants and Dictators

I've been hearing so much crap from these people who are just so full of it. For Pete's sake, can't they just get that a lethal combo of hormones, rage, and positive disgust doesn't just go off, that there's a spark? Anything I do or say is always in direct reaction to the person I'm speaking to. If they can't handle someone answering them in the same tone of voice and the same vehemence that they demonstrate, what the hell are they talking to me for? I've got better things to do than waste my time on them.

Oh yeah. I didn't make drama or dance. I'm a soprano in choir.

Just saw The Great Dictator. Awesome film.