Giving Up

I need sleep. Not just because I'm falling asleep; also because the lack thereof is tricking me into thinking terrible things. It's making me depressed. It's giving my life the monotony of waking up in the morning initiating a wish that extends throughout the day to go right back to bed. Please, no comments telling me to just force myself. It's a lost cause. I've lost all self-discipline; I know it, because my two main goals in life are to lose weight (I gained 20 pounds since the beginning of last year) and to get more sleep.

Officially on the School Hit List

On Thursday, I had a run in with a teacher when she said that Arthurian legend came from the Welsh. I argued the French; she said that I was wrong. Nothing to it, I was wrong. I, being the big-mouthed, stupidest creature on earth at that point, said, "I'll be sure to check up on that."
And in a spectacular show of inability to control her emotions, the teacher stomped out of the room, slamming the door. Her relation, who learns in our class, seemed to think she was taking an objective view when she said that I had been very rude.
(Note: I have said the former or one of its variants many times. I expected the teacher to laugh it off, expecting I'd come back the next day and say she was right.)
Anyhow, two minutes later the Hebrew studies principal (who I absolutely can't stand) came and with a very somber look on her face (these people enjoy getting you into trouble. I'm telling you) called me and a close friend of mine down to the office. My friend had no idea why she was being called (it turned out that she hadn't been looking at the teacher, and this generated disrespect. It probably came about from a separate run-in she had with this very teacher), but when I went in I got the whole deal with "you do know why what you did was wrong" and that it's "very chutzpadik and disrespectful". Of course I went to apologize to the teacher; she said that she had never expected me, of all people, to say to her "You don't know what you're talking about." I did mean that in a twisted sort of way, but I did not say that and it was completely subconscious - I happen to not have very respectful feelings with regards to her. Maybe it's because of the hypocrisy of it all. Then, she calls me back to her desk a second later and says that she'll treat this as if it never happened and hopes I'll do the same. Like hell I will.
The next day she gave me a 'chance' to pretend it never happened, and asked me if I had done any research. I was very cool and didn't smile. I guess there goes my 'chance'.
My friend's parents went in for a meeting with the principal today. She will not be returning to the class. It seems that I am officially the next person the school will pick on, as my friend's parents have retaliated beautifully and with due criticism. The apprehension is building ... well, I never did ask for a boring year.

Yes, Naftali. If it comes to that, I will be moving to the Academy if I'm accepted.

Broken Atlas

i feel so alone ... where is everybody? i wish i could rewind time, to a point where we were all together. i know that everyone else was going through what i'm going through now then, but i was happy. now i'm the home base. i'm the one holding it all together. i wish i could stay the same, be the same person you saw last time you were home, but i can't. i have to change. i have to grow. i hate the person i am now, and what i'm living. i'll try to tell all of you when things change, but life can't always be put down into words. i'm so sorry ...

The Horrors of Regulation

I'm starting to get bored with my life. Even my new layered, chin-length hair cut lost its novelty within three days. I'm trying to relieve this monotony, but I haven't been very successful. I suppose that why I have suddenly taken a liking to hats: within the past month, I have acquired three new ones. It gives me a little character, I think. The fedora is by far the best. The hot pink beret is the sweet/sassy look. The skullcap gives me a cone-shaped head, but it's still cute nonetheless.
I really must start this dance course Tsiona and I discovered, or else I might become one of those girls in my class whose main goal in life is to be a limudei kodesh teacher and marry a kollel guy.

Remembering

In this past week, two people have reminded what it was I loved about myself when I first moved to America - why I loved being different, weird.
Thank you Sammy and Dina.

I've noticed that a lot of my acquaintances can have a quite vulgar personality, but then they'll turn around and do the type of thing you were yearning for someone to do ... but no one ever did because they don't think of it; they're incapable of thinking of it. It's not a part of their system, to do such thoughtful actions. Just another cliched message of how you can't judge a book by its cover.

Destroying Myself

It is irritating as well as dangerous that we must keep doing things we have no desire to commit just to prove something.

I hate that I need a 4.5 GPA to be happy.

I hate that I need a glance from the popular people to feel special.

I hate that I need other people to approve of how I look in order to feel pretty.

None of it is worth what's put into it; none of it even makes me happy. There's no point to it. And yet I push on ...

Aftermath

It's been weird at home since Succos. Tsiona left yesterday, leaving us all very depressed and very sad. Tomorrow Batya's leaving for Germany ... it looks like I'm facing an 'only child' stage. I'm realizing that I really don't enjoy school. It bores me. It may 'challenge' me, and it may be hard, but it doesn't stimulate me. I'm taking these classes for the heck of it, to prove I can do it. I'm trying to get what makes it all worth it.

On Being Obsolete

Whenever someone who's around less than I am shows up, I just start feeling like a wallflower in my own home. I hate it; I wish I could either stop wanting everyone to pay attention to me more than anyone else, or that they just would pay more attention to me. It's as though I've worn out my use, I'm no longer a novelty, I merely help with chores and such everyday things. I have nothing to add, nothing to say.